Bangungot Habang Gising

Mistulang masamang panaginip…

Ang mga alaalang ubod-pait ay bigla nalang bumalong na parang bukal na di natutuyuan ng tubig.

Ano’ng nangyari? Ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas?

Bakit ngayon, sa loob ng apat na sulok ng aking silid, ay nalasahan kong muli ang mapaklang mga katotohanan na akala ko’y naibaon ko na sa limot?

Nakayayamot.

Dahil hindi pa pala…

Alas-dos ng madaling araw ngayon, at nakaramdam ako ng hapdi.

Isa-isang sumulpot sa aking isipan ang mga pangyayaring yaon, tatlong taon mahigit na ang nakararaan.

Yaong pinagdaanan kong hirap. Grabe. Natagpos ko iyon? Salamat na lamang sa Diyos.

Nung mga panahong iyon, di ko lubos maisip kung kailan hihinto ang bangungot ko habang gising.

Mahaba-haba na rin naman ang ipinagpahinga ng masasamang panaginip. Ilang daang araw na rin ang nagsalitan mula sa liwanag patungong dilim, at liwanag muli.

Nakalimot na ako sa aking pagkakaalam.

Maliban ngayon…

Maaaring hindi na ganun kasakit.

Ngunit mahapdi pa rin.

Naramdaman kong muli na tila ba napunit ang aking dibdib. Sinabi ko na ngang mahapdi, hindi ba?

Parang sugat na nabudburan ng iilang piraso lamang ng asin.

Parang gusto mong biglang buhusan ng tubig upang mahugasan. Upang mapawi na ang hapdi.

Isa lang ang sagot.

Huwag na muling mag-isip.

Muling humukay ng mas malalim ng kaunti, para muling ibaon sa limot ang sakit na nanggaling sa kahapon.

Matagal na nga. Ilang oras at buwan na nga ang lumipas.

Ilang pilas na rin ng kalendaryo ang naganap.

Ngunit…

May hapdi pa rin…

At ayaw ko na nito.

Bangungot? Katotohanan?

Lubayan mo na muna ako at ayaw kitang maramdaman…

Rainy Twentieth of August

~Reblogging from Facebook, August 20, 2013~

I will not be a hypocrite and must admit that there were times that I hated the rainy days.

I hate it when I’m on the road and the skies suddenly decide to do an ambush attack.

I hate it when I’m still inside the office and just 5-10 minutes before the end of office hours, gazillion giant raindrops would do their merry-making. Talk about perfect timing, huh? And oftentimes, I mull over the fact that I have to dip my feet in the cold, dirty water that has flooded the streets. I do mind the organisms lurking and swimming freely in the flood but I am left with no choice but to walk in it lest I will not be able to go home. Plus the traffic! Geeez!

But today, with this kind of weather, I had the chance to ponder. Not all day, the heavens were raging. There were these “quiet moments” wherein I appreciated the sound of raindrops. Each drop had its own tone, each had its own volume, its own intensity and dynamics…

Could it be….? I thought to myself…

Could it really be that this is heaven’s or nature’s way of worshipping God or exalting His name or making music for Him?…

Could it be that we do not recognize it as such because we, humans, speak a different language, and have polluted the home that was entrusted to us that’s why it cannot process and respond “rightly ” in the present time as it did a hundred or a thousand years ago?

All along we have blamed the storms and the rains, when we should have pointed our fingers towards us. Why these calamities? Why these floods? Why those lives lost?

We kept on questioning when all these time, we carry the answers right within us…

On the other hand, I admire the rain… It has always been consistent.

How I pray I could always worship like that, if that’s really one of the things it does—

free-flowing,
unabashed,
totally abandoned,
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GENUINE…

Losing my mind, you say?

Perhaps..?
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Perhaps not.