Le Coucher


Hello, you.


I heard you’re getting married. Just saw a random pre-wedding picture of you and her.


You seemed happy. Her skin glowed against the last rays of light from the sunset… And she seemed happy,too…


Several years ago, it was what we planned — to be wed… But now, you’ll be wed to someone else. Someone who’s not me.


The sunset? It was part of it, too. You knew how I love sunsets…


I can still remember the way you whispered in my ear that you’ll marry me under a sunset…


It’s ironic that I am looking at a very new photograph and yet it seems like it’s all too familiar, which makes me feel nostalgic and melancholic at the same time…









Why am I even writing this in the first place?


Bangungot Habang Gising

Mistulang masamang panaginip…

Ang mga alaalang ubod-pait ay bigla nalang bumalong na parang bukal na di natutuyuan ng tubig.

Ano’ng nangyari? Ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas?

Bakit ngayon, sa loob ng apat na sulok ng aking silid, ay nalasahan kong muli ang mapaklang mga katotohanan na akala ko’y naibaon ko na sa limot?


Dahil hindi pa pala…

Alas-dos ng madaling araw ngayon, at nakaramdam ako ng hapdi.

Isa-isang sumulpot sa aking isipan ang mga pangyayaring yaon, tatlong taon mahigit na ang nakararaan.

Yaong pinagdaanan kong hirap. Grabe. Natagpos ko iyon? Salamat na lamang sa Diyos.

Nung mga panahong iyon, di ko lubos maisip kung kailan hihinto ang bangungot ko habang gising.

Mahaba-haba na rin naman ang ipinagpahinga ng masasamang panaginip. Ilang daang araw na rin ang nagsalitan mula sa liwanag patungong dilim, at liwanag muli.

Nakalimot na ako sa aking pagkakaalam.

Maliban ngayon…

Maaaring hindi na ganun kasakit.

Ngunit mahapdi pa rin.

Naramdaman kong muli na tila ba napunit ang aking dibdib. Sinabi ko na ngang mahapdi, hindi ba?

Parang sugat na nabudburan ng iilang piraso lamang ng asin.

Parang gusto mong biglang buhusan ng tubig upang mahugasan. Upang mapawi na ang hapdi.

Isa lang ang sagot.

Huwag na muling mag-isip.

Muling humukay ng mas malalim ng kaunti, para muling ibaon sa limot ang sakit na nanggaling sa kahapon.

Matagal na nga. Ilang oras at buwan na nga ang lumipas.

Ilang pilas na rin ng kalendaryo ang naganap.


May hapdi pa rin…

At ayaw ko na nito.

Bangungot? Katotohanan?

Lubayan mo na muna ako at ayaw kitang maramdaman…

Fortitude in Weakness

There are times when people look at me and they see a very tough woman. They put in their mind that my toughness makes me insusceptible to pain. So they think it’s ok to hurt me over and over.


Yet there are times that this tough woman shakes like a leaf and gets scared and hurt, too. Like all the others, there’s a small child in me that curls up in bed and cries her heart out, longing to be held by someone stronger than her.



I just am so blessed that in my weakest times, I find my fortitude in Christ alone…

Putting My Plow Away

Forgetting does not mean obliterating the memory of my past, but is a conscious refusal to let it absorb my attention and impede my progress.



Dear Lord, I’ve been plowing up the soil of past memories for far too long. Today, I’m going to put away the plow and start planting seeds. When You see me reaching for the plow and going back to rehash old grievances and hurts, I pray that the Holy Spirit will convict me quickly. Today, the past is the past and I’m not looking back.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Let It Go

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk
Away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
Loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
Staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us that it might
Be made manifest that they were not for us.
For had they been of us, no doubt they
Would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means
That their part in the story is over. And you’ve got
To know when people’s part in your story is over so that you
Don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something.
I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful,
it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God
Means for me to have He’ll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you
And was never intended for your life, then you need to……
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ……
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back,
And see your worth…..
If someone has angered you,
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets
Your needs or talents
If you have a bad attitude…….
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……
If you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take
You to a new level in Him……..
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even
Try to help themselves……
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed ………
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to
Handling yourself and God is saying
“take your hands off of it,” then you need to……
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for this New Year!
Get Right or Get Left .. Think about it, and then,
“The Battle is the Lord’s!”

~T.D. Jakes

It’s Now or Never


There are times when we get hurt by people who are really dear to us. And yeah, it sucks. However, there are also times when it’s us who cause pain on other people, but frequently, we are unaware or we become too insensitive of others’ feelings.


When we get hurt by others, we protest in the best way we could. But when we hurt them, we just shrug it off and act innocent. We even put all the blame on them even if it’s us who have done them wrong.


Time and again, there’s often a word we consciously do not say right after we’ve hurt someone. We just automatically swallow it back right down our throats and don’t even care of when’s the next time we’ll have the chance to say it.




It’s a word that’s been repeatedly ignored, taken for granted, trashed. It’s a five-letter-word that can create a major impact in our lives or someone else’s. It can turn matters upside-down. Still, its meaning isn’t at all times taken seriously.


Many of us tend to think, “I’ll just say it to him/her the next time we bump on each other,” believing that there will probably be a next time. But what if there isn’t? Are we sure that we won’t be living our lives in regret?


Are our hearts and consciences already that calloused that we can bear seeing other people have difficulty on carrying a burden that we caused? Are we that insensitive because we know their hearts ache and yet we are not a bit concerned?


Selfishness. Pride. Anger. All these are just some factors why we end up keeping our hearts, our minds, and our mouths shut. We thought this would shield us from getting ourselves hurt. Right?




The more we keep these in us, the more rotten we become. We will get rotten to the core, little by little, and we will be left ignorant and disoriented of a battle we’ve created in our own lives. Our inmost beings decay and it’s only a matter of time when we will catch its stinky whiff on air.


We live in a decomposing world– a world covered in the grime of sin. And if we let sin rule in our lives, we putrefy even faster than we think.


Sorry, if wholeheartedly and unabashedly said, can soften hardened hearts. It opens a door to healing, both ways, and provides a way to reconciliation.


Sorry can create a bridge on a broken road of friendship or any kind of relationships. It may not give instant results, but it can offer a fresh start.


Sorry might be too short to utter, but when it’s been said in a truthful way, its impact may last a lifetime.


Sorry is a weighty word. It isn’t weighty because it’s hard to say. It is so because it has a heavy meaning. And it only gets cumbersome to vocally express when it’s not from the heart and when we are too self-centered. Many are just oblivious of this truth…


Sorry may not thoroughly bring about immediate forgiveness on the other party, but it will surely give us a beautiful hope that one day, there is a chance of being forgiven. It will then set us free…


“Live a life filled with love for others…

Be careful how you live…

Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days.

Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do.”

Ephesians 5:2, 15, 16-17

(New Living Translation)


Sorry is a serious word. Let us mean it when we say it. It’s as saying that we would do everything not to commit the same mistake over and over—or better yet, not to commit it anymore.


This is our final call. Say our apologies now to the ones we’ve hurt before everything gets too late?


Or be sorry forever…




“If anyone says, ‘I am living in the light,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister,

That person is still living in the darkness…

Anyone who hates a Christian brother or sister is living and walking in darkness.

Such a person is lost, having been blinded by the darkness.”

1 John 2:9, 11

(New Living Translation)

It’s Not Just An “OUCH”



Every person in this orb has his own way of dealing with hurts. But more often than not, each of us think and feel that we are all left alone in the dilemma that we are currently facing. We feel deserted. We feel betrayed by people whom we thought would be there for us till the very end; those who promised that they would never hurt or harm us. But do we ever realize that these people who said such things are also but humans? Like you and I, they too could break any promise they made. And after trusting too much, hoping too much, disloyalty comes and we end up being broken.


How do we deal with pain? How do we cope up with people or things that hurt us?


I’m not here to teach the ABC’s of healing because no one, not even I, could actually instruct another on how to heal a certain pain. I am just here to share, not to brag, a little of my experiences and how I’ve dealt with disappointments.


One accurate thing that will always remain to the ends of the age is this: IT ALL STARTS AND ENDS WITH GOD. The way on how we muddle through our troubles depends on our personal relationship with Him.


Yes, trials and troubles come, but these are just “spices” and not the “main ingredients” of life. It couldn’t be all too easy because we are meant to face these things in order for us to grow in every aspect. If we have Jesus in our hearts, we will then witness His great works and wonders in our lives. He knows the end from the beginning. The same rain that pours down on us also pours down on all the others. It’s not only you or me who’s undergoing through so much. The problem with us is that we tend to be blinded by so much hurt that’s why we are not able to realize this.


God’s grace and love are higher than any mountain peaks, wider than our thoughts, better than our ways. It wouldn’t hurt much if we start admitting to Him that we are not okay, that we are in excruciating pain. If we learn how to confess and submit, only then the real healing from Him comes.


For Christians, it doesn’t mean we won’t face troubles anymore. We will, and it’s a cold truth. We will undergo the same pain that others do. The sting gets even more real every single time. You ask why? Well, this is why.


When we go through a pain, it is then that the Lord strips us off ourselves. He tears off and removes everything He sees that hinders our growth in our relationship with Him. These things are strongly attached to us, glued to our character and our lives, thus when it is removed, it would definitely hurt. It even hurts more because we refuse to yield; we hold back, we fight. He knows what’s best but since He has given us a free will, He doesn’t force us to give up our difficulties. He tolerantly waits till we are ready to lay down our arms.


Only in His embrace could we find total healing. We can find confidence in His word and His promises. Let me cite some verses in the Bible that really encouraged me during my lowest moments.


“Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.”Psalm 126: 5


“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers them from them all.”Psalm 34:18-19

“My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to You— I, whom You have redeemed.”Psalm 71:23


“..Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.”Hebrews 13:5


“The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to His heavenly kingdom.”2 Timothy 4:18


“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”James 1:2-3


“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”1 Peter 5:10


If you want to find more of His great promises, I encourage you to open up your Bible or purchase one if you don’t have any.


To end this, I want to share this remarkable thought that the Lord has given me one morning. I was crying the night before that day came, having so much heaviness in my heart. As I opened my eyes the next morning, He flashed the word OUCH in my mind… and out of those words came a wonderful fact.









The Lord transformed my way of thinking. I got up my bed with a wide grin on my face and said, “Yeah! Only You, Lord, can heal!”


In every pain lies a secret that could heal…







And the secret is Him.



My eyes filled with tears
As you looked into mine
I glanced away
, you need not know,
You need not find.

That familiar feeling resurfaced,
One that I tried to forget for so long.
One that I never wanted to feel ever again—
Until now…

We lived our lives the way we wanted it.
Met other people along the broken path,
I thought they would help us forget.
But what they did seemed too little.

The bond that kept us connected—
all these time—
was far from being broken.

It’s just that our hearts
were too proud to admit…

In the end,
It’s not a matter of who hurt
Or who loved the most…

It’s about the truth
that even without being spoken,

Only our hearts could ever understand…

Gazelle’s Prayer



There is so much pain in my heart. I feel so weak. I feel smashed into brittle pieces. I am drowning in a sea of pain and it seems like I couldn’t swim my way out…

You know the frailness of my frame. You know how much I want to scream at the top of my lungs and wish it wasn’t me who’s feeling this right now.

But You, oh God, You know why I have to undergo this. You want to teach me more about life. You want me to experience that You are a God who could take all matters to His hands and change my adversity into a blessing.

I may not understand everything right now. I may not find all the answers. Do I need those? What I know now is that… It’s You whom I need.

I need not beg, but I am asking You to spare me from this wretchedness. Right now, I can barely stand. Won’t you please hold my heart? How does my breaking heart sound? Does it make You cry, too? I am sorry Lord, for making You cry. But thank You because You care enough to cry with me. You care enough to wipe my tears dry.

You said that I am Your princess, I am Your treasure. I am holding on to that Lord… Now, more than ever, I take delight to identify that it’s how You think of me— it’s how You treat me. The world looks at me as if I am a trash to be trampled on, but, does it matter?

You provided me everything I need. And now, I pray that you would give me serenity. I pray that You would give me strength to endure every passing moment. When all else fades Lord, I would want to be embraced by You. I want to be loved by You. For Your love alone lasts forever.

You have been despised by the world, by people whom you dearly loved… So, more than anyone else, I know You understand what it’s like to be reviled… Be with me, Lord because that’s how I feel like right now.

Though my knees quiver and my heart falters, You are gracious enough to carry me through this. I don’t understand everything Lord. Help me look beyond what I see right now. Despite my brokenness, I know You’re there. Your promises are ever so true. Help me cling to it.

Just as how you spared me from death while I was still inside mom’s womb, just as how weak my heartbeat was at that time, just as how I bargained for my life , and just as how many times I almost entered the doors of the grave, save me again right now, Lord… Don’t let me sink to the bottom. Don’t let me give up…

You created the dark clouds that bring rain, but You also created the rainbow. Encourage me that the clouds would soon dispel, and finally, help me see the rays of the sun and let me feel its warmth once more.

I won’t fight Your hands that hold me, because that’s what I unerringly need right now. Turn to me, Lord, and hold me tighter… take all of my fears away.

I may not understand… But I am willing to trust in You…

Everyday I Press On


I think I’m okay.. trying not to ponder about the hurtful things that have happened in my life but rather, focusing on the positive ones that my pain has brought to me..

I am sad but striving to be happy. I strive to live my everyday as if nothing happened, as if I haven’t been hurt, as if I haven’t been lied to..

I really am keeping myself busy.. in fact, even more busy than I was before.. I don’t want to be thinking about my pain.. Or loathe the day just because I am not at my best..

The greatest folly that I could ever make is to hide my pain from God.. And I will not do that.. I want God to do a thorough search of my heart to its deepest parts. I need Him to cleanse every vein, every blood vessel, with his own pure blood that He shed on the cross so that my heart would pound again— so that it would regain it’s strength which is now faltering.

I won’t be comparing myself to others because God made me to be me.. God made me in such a way that I could be able to touch other people’s lives through my words and my actions. God made me for His glory… I long for Him to fulfill His every plan for me, and I humbly submit—with all I am, with all I have, and with all that I’m going to be.

I may be at the lowest point of my life right now but God allowed it so He could take me into greater heights with Him.

I believe that this is just one season of my life that I must courageously go through. I am not alone. I will never be. God’s holding my hands… My whole life is in his hands.

I will press on, look at the silverlining that God wants me to see. And continually, I will marvel at his wonderful love, dwell in His overwhelming presence, and mend in His warm embrace…

One day, I’ll be able to open my eyes with great wonder and say, “Lord…. I am okay… I’m healed… Thank you.”

Yet now, I hear Him say His encouraging words, “Ghay.. You will be okay.. I will give you healing… I love you..”