Bangungot Habang Gising

Mistulang masamang panaginip…

Ang mga alaalang ubod-pait ay bigla nalang bumalong na parang bukal na di natutuyuan ng tubig.

Ano’ng nangyari? Ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas?

Bakit ngayon, sa loob ng apat na sulok ng aking silid, ay nalasahan kong muli ang mapaklang mga katotohanan na akala ko’y naibaon ko na sa limot?

Nakayayamot.

Dahil hindi pa pala…

Alas-dos ng madaling araw ngayon, at nakaramdam ako ng hapdi.

Isa-isang sumulpot sa aking isipan ang mga pangyayaring yaon, tatlong taon mahigit na ang nakararaan.

Yaong pinagdaanan kong hirap. Grabe. Natagpos ko iyon? Salamat na lamang sa Diyos.

Nung mga panahong iyon, di ko lubos maisip kung kailan hihinto ang bangungot ko habang gising.

Mahaba-haba na rin naman ang ipinagpahinga ng masasamang panaginip. Ilang daang araw na rin ang nagsalitan mula sa liwanag patungong dilim, at liwanag muli.

Nakalimot na ako sa aking pagkakaalam.

Maliban ngayon…

Maaaring hindi na ganun kasakit.

Ngunit mahapdi pa rin.

Naramdaman kong muli na tila ba napunit ang aking dibdib. Sinabi ko na ngang mahapdi, hindi ba?

Parang sugat na nabudburan ng iilang piraso lamang ng asin.

Parang gusto mong biglang buhusan ng tubig upang mahugasan. Upang mapawi na ang hapdi.

Isa lang ang sagot.

Huwag na muling mag-isip.

Muling humukay ng mas malalim ng kaunti, para muling ibaon sa limot ang sakit na nanggaling sa kahapon.

Matagal na nga. Ilang oras at buwan na nga ang lumipas.

Ilang pilas na rin ng kalendaryo ang naganap.

Ngunit…

May hapdi pa rin…

At ayaw ko na nito.

Bangungot? Katotohanan?

Lubayan mo na muna ako at ayaw kitang maramdaman…

Thank You Mom!

~This is something my mom wrote for my birthday (June 10,2013)… Thanks for the unconditional love, mom!  I love you…~

 

 

To a wonderful daughter who is the most artistic of all my children…
Another miracle baby. She came out earlier than scheduled and thanks to God because her heartbeat was fainter than it should be since i was sick for a week. I couldn’t push…i was so weak. But she came out with a loud alto voice. A fighter from the beginning.
I was bleeding heavily, suffered from uterine atony…I woke up soaked with blood. But God made the baby strong. The heaviest and the biggest of all my children..

The singer of the family. She sings when the car starts its engine and stops when the car reaches its destination. The longest concert… from guiguinto, bulacan to Lemery, Batangas…at the age of 4.She was singing gospel songs…my nightingale.

She started to draw at the age of 1 1/2 barely mastered holding a pen. all four corners of our wall had her priceless masterpieces. Asked a paint brush and oil paint at the bookstore at the age of 5 as her birthday gift which I decline. We went home without any gift for her. She doesn’t want any of the things we suggested… she only wanted the oil paint and brush. Christmas, she again asked for it and saying..”d ba wala akong gift nong birthday ko?” (I didn’t have a gift on my birthday, remember?)–so i did give her what she wanted. -my female version of Michaelangelo.

It brings back all the memories of the childhood years of my children every time their birthday comes. Now…she had fought the battles of her life and came out victorious..made her life colorful with her own paint and brushes and a beautiful masterpiece with the Lord Jesus as her Great Saviour and teacher.

You will always be a child in my heart, you will always be my nightingale and my female michaelangelo.. the bonus is i have now my small version of you—Anaiah.

Hold on to the Lord, He is our everything..when you don’t understand..trust His heart… Mommy and daddy will always be here for you no matter what happens. WE LOVE YOU ANAK….HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAY

Dear Daughter

Anaiah Kielle,

`

Hello darling! By the time you are reading this, I don’t know how old you are. Many things may have changed in you, in us, in your surroundings, in almost everything.

`

I am writing for no particular reason, perhaps I just want to record the things that are running in my head at this moment.

`

You are one of God’s greatest gifts to me and it will always be like that.

`

I can still remember the way it felt when you first “kicked” inside me. That was odd, but beautiful. I loved the way how you made my tummy your playground,  you happily swirled and wiggled inside. 🙂

`

The moment you were about to be born, I was in fact keeping my composure. I was nervous yet excited at the same time! I asked the Lord to help me deliver you safely and He granted that request.

`

The first time I laid my eyes on you and held you in my arms, I got scared. You were so little and fragile, I was so afraid I might squish you. But I won over my fear with God’s help again. I will never forget that moment… The physical exhaustion and pain of giving birth paled away when I finally held and kissed you. You were the pain reliever.

`

I’m sorry that you were not born under the perfect circumstances. I wasn’t as rich as the other mothers out there who could give their children extravagant things. What I do know is that long before you were born, God has already thought of  you and has a great plan for your life.

`

I’m sorry that you don’t have your father by your side. Things didn’t work out well for us, and so you also have to suffer. I really am sorry, baby. There are things that cannot be returned to its original state once broken. I am hoping that in time, you would learn to accept and understand these things without harboring hatred and pain in your heart. Things may not have been brought out as planned between your father and I, but you have all the rights to know him, and if you must, spend time with him. But not now, I’m not ready yet… It is still too painful, too fresh. I don’t want to poke my wounds just yet. I want them to heal first, completely… That time will come, I know, when I’d be ready to talk or to see his face again. But it wouldn’t really be how it was like before.

`

I’m sorry that mommy has to be far from you almost all the time. I have to work and earn money so that I could provide for you. I want to make most of what I have so I could give you the things that you need. You just don’t know how my heart twists every time you cry as you see me go. I know that you miss me–I miss you too, babe… Always… Even when I am at work, I think of you often. I don’t mind getting tired when it’s for you. I always look forward going home and get ample amount of your hugs and kisses when I am all spent from a day’s work. You never fail to make me smile. You never fail to make me forget my weariness for the day. :’)

`

Truly, you grow so fast! I rejoiced the moment you took your first step, but at the same time there was a strange pain in my heart that made me think that sooner or later, you’ll be taking steps away from me. Soon enough, you will go to school, have new friends and discover your purpose here on earth.   Somehow, I feel a little jealous knowing that one day, your world will not revolve around me anymore. And perhaps you would be needing less of my presence, my hugs and my kisses… But I want you to know that I would be so willing to give you a generous amount whenever you may need it again… Pardon me if I sound too possessive of you. I still am learning how to deal with life’s realities. When you become a mother yourself, you will comprehend fully what I am saying.

`

I love you, Anaiah… You are a living reminder to me that in any circumstance, God answers, thus the meaning of your name. Every time I see you, I am comforted because I know that our future is secured in the loving hands of the Lord… We are safe.

`

Whenever you may face a problem or two, please never shy away from me… It would be one of the most rewarding things for me that you would seek for my advice. I pray that you will grow beautifully under God’s grace. Life may be harsh at some points but never ever lose heart! These are just temporary. There’s more to what your eyes can see… Learn to also see with your heart. I also pray that you would not commit the same mistakes I did. Take the lessons, leave the tears and the heartaches.

`

In the future, you might face disappointments. Just press on. Those are meant to make you a better and a stronger person. Always choose the best and don’t just settle for the good. Sometimes, the good things rob you of the best so you better clear your vision always.

`

Once again, I love you—and I will never tire of letting you know… But God loves you more and is more faithful than I am. Hold on to this truth and engrave it in your heart.

`

I shall be praying for you always, loving you always… Take heart. Treasures are yet to be unfolded in your very eyes.

`

`

Loving you till forever,

Mommy

 

I love her smile in this photo when she was still 11 months old. There’s that certain happy glow in her eyes. Do you see it? 🙂

pateras ( πατέρας )

Being a responsible father doesn’t rely on how old you are.It is being fully mature despite your age. It is how you man it up, how you wholeheartedly make a commitment–an everyday choice–to support your child in ALL aspects.

`

`

It is how you keep your promises. It is how you act upon your words.

`

`

It is about taking responsibility in the here and now for your child. It is how you look at the morrow without disregarding today.

`

`

You see, being a father (or a parent) is always a COURAGEOUS CHOICE.

`

`

`

`

Just my two cents.

`

Imageen

On Being A Single Mom

I’ve stumbled upon a random blogger’s entry wherein she said that single mothers are those most likely to fall into poverty.

I beg to disagree.

Being a single mother myself, I would like to believe what the word of God says.

“Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.” (Psalm 127:3)

It’s not that I am justifying whatever mistakes I have done in the past. It’s that despite the wrongs I’ve made, God was, and still is, gracious to me for forgiving me of my most contemptible sins thinkable, and even gifting me with a daughter—my very own flesh and blood.

There are so many women my age who wish to have children of their own, yet do not have any. Of course, having and raising kids is done best under the umbrella of marriage. But what if you are like me who apparently has a kid, and who do not have a suitable male partner, a responsible husband, or a trustworthy father to your child for that matter? Are you to spurn your life forever?

Image

Look at the picture above. How do you see it? Is the glass half empty or half full?

Well, it is just a matter of perspective. Personally, I would like to fill my life with positivity—noticing and acknowledging the beauty behind anything that people deem unfavorable. Yes, you may hurt inside or cry your eyes out when something awful happens. Still the important thing here is how you stand tall again and be courageous enough to put your best foot forward, the second time around. You empower and boost the things you put your focus on. Positivity or negativity is multiplied when concentrated upon. Which do you want more of?

Being able to hold and kiss my daughter for the very first time, to witness her ever first facial expressions, her laugh, her cry, see her learn how to walk, hear her call me “E-mie” (her version of “mommy”), to have her reach out for me when she gets hurt, to feel her tight, baby bear hugs and be smothered by her kisses when I get home from work or whenever she becomes extra sweet, to  walk hand in hand with her as she takes her baby steps—these are just some of my treasures. Not all women are gifted with such, thus making me a little bit more “special”, a little bit richer in a different manner than others. It is an immense thing that God made my womb fruitful. Yes I am a single mother, but not impoverished. I am blessed beyond compare.

Knowing that my daughter has an extraordinary purpose to fulfill on earth, and that God has put her under my care, gives me the drive to be of aid to her in every way that I can. To see her grow under the grace of the Lord is a delightful experience, one I would not trade for anything. I set my heart, my mind, my hands and feet to work. I want to give the best for my daughter just as my Father in heaven gives the best for me.

In my honest opinion, those who are most likely to plunge into poverty are those who are too engrossed on being apathetic and lazy.

“Lazy people are soon poor; Hard workers get rich.” (Proverbs 10:4)

Need I say more?

If only all the single mothers out there would see their child as a gift from the Lord then it would really make a vast difference…

Image