Le Coucher

Kona-Sunset-wedding-photography-

Hello, you.

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I heard you’re getting married. Just saw a random pre-wedding picture of you and her.

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You seemed happy. Her skin glowed against the last rays of light from the sunset… And she seemed happy,too…

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Several years ago, it was what we planned — to be wed… But now, you’ll be wed to someone else. Someone who’s not me.

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The sunset? It was part of it, too. You knew how I love sunsets…

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I can still remember the way you whispered in my ear that you’ll marry me under a sunset…

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It’s ironic that I am looking at a very new photograph and yet it seems like it’s all too familiar, which makes me feel nostalgic and melancholic at the same time…

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But…

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Why am I even writing this in the first place?

Bangungot Habang Gising

Mistulang masamang panaginip…

Ang mga alaalang ubod-pait ay bigla nalang bumalong na parang bukal na di natutuyuan ng tubig.

Ano’ng nangyari? Ilang taon na nga ba ang lumipas?

Bakit ngayon, sa loob ng apat na sulok ng aking silid, ay nalasahan kong muli ang mapaklang mga katotohanan na akala ko’y naibaon ko na sa limot?

Nakayayamot.

Dahil hindi pa pala…

Alas-dos ng madaling araw ngayon, at nakaramdam ako ng hapdi.

Isa-isang sumulpot sa aking isipan ang mga pangyayaring yaon, tatlong taon mahigit na ang nakararaan.

Yaong pinagdaanan kong hirap. Grabe. Natagpos ko iyon? Salamat na lamang sa Diyos.

Nung mga panahong iyon, di ko lubos maisip kung kailan hihinto ang bangungot ko habang gising.

Mahaba-haba na rin naman ang ipinagpahinga ng masasamang panaginip. Ilang daang araw na rin ang nagsalitan mula sa liwanag patungong dilim, at liwanag muli.

Nakalimot na ako sa aking pagkakaalam.

Maliban ngayon…

Maaaring hindi na ganun kasakit.

Ngunit mahapdi pa rin.

Naramdaman kong muli na tila ba napunit ang aking dibdib. Sinabi ko na ngang mahapdi, hindi ba?

Parang sugat na nabudburan ng iilang piraso lamang ng asin.

Parang gusto mong biglang buhusan ng tubig upang mahugasan. Upang mapawi na ang hapdi.

Isa lang ang sagot.

Huwag na muling mag-isip.

Muling humukay ng mas malalim ng kaunti, para muling ibaon sa limot ang sakit na nanggaling sa kahapon.

Matagal na nga. Ilang oras at buwan na nga ang lumipas.

Ilang pilas na rin ng kalendaryo ang naganap.

Ngunit…

May hapdi pa rin…

At ayaw ko na nito.

Bangungot? Katotohanan?

Lubayan mo na muna ako at ayaw kitang maramdaman…

It’s Now or Never

12.26.2009

There are times when we get hurt by people who are really dear to us. And yeah, it sucks. However, there are also times when it’s us who cause pain on other people, but frequently, we are unaware or we become too insensitive of others’ feelings.

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When we get hurt by others, we protest in the best way we could. But when we hurt them, we just shrug it off and act innocent. We even put all the blame on them even if it’s us who have done them wrong.

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Time and again, there’s often a word we consciously do not say right after we’ve hurt someone. We just automatically swallow it back right down our throats and don’t even care of when’s the next time we’ll have the chance to say it.

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SORRY.

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It’s a word that’s been repeatedly ignored, taken for granted, trashed. It’s a five-letter-word that can create a major impact in our lives or someone else’s. It can turn matters upside-down. Still, its meaning isn’t at all times taken seriously.

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Many of us tend to think, “I’ll just say it to him/her the next time we bump on each other,” believing that there will probably be a next time. But what if there isn’t? Are we sure that we won’t be living our lives in regret?

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Are our hearts and consciences already that calloused that we can bear seeing other people have difficulty on carrying a burden that we caused? Are we that insensitive because we know their hearts ache and yet we are not a bit concerned?

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Selfishness. Pride. Anger. All these are just some factors why we end up keeping our hearts, our minds, and our mouths shut. We thought this would shield us from getting ourselves hurt. Right?

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Wrong!

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The more we keep these in us, the more rotten we become. We will get rotten to the core, little by little, and we will be left ignorant and disoriented of a battle we’ve created in our own lives. Our inmost beings decay and it’s only a matter of time when we will catch its stinky whiff on air.

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We live in a decomposing world– a world covered in the grime of sin. And if we let sin rule in our lives, we putrefy even faster than we think.

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Sorry, if wholeheartedly and unabashedly said, can soften hardened hearts. It opens a door to healing, both ways, and provides a way to reconciliation.

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Sorry can create a bridge on a broken road of friendship or any kind of relationships. It may not give instant results, but it can offer a fresh start.

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Sorry might be too short to utter, but when it’s been said in a truthful way, its impact may last a lifetime.

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Sorry is a weighty word. It isn’t weighty because it’s hard to say. It is so because it has a heavy meaning. And it only gets cumbersome to vocally express when it’s not from the heart and when we are too self-centered. Many are just oblivious of this truth…

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Sorry may not thoroughly bring about immediate forgiveness on the other party, but it will surely give us a beautiful hope that one day, there is a chance of being forgiven. It will then set us free…

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“Live a life filled with love for others…

Be careful how you live…

Make the most of every opportunity for doing good in these evil days.

Don’t act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do.”

Ephesians 5:2, 15, 16-17

(New Living Translation)

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Sorry is a serious word. Let us mean it when we say it. It’s as saying that we would do everything not to commit the same mistake over and over—or better yet, not to commit it anymore.

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This is our final call. Say our apologies now to the ones we’ve hurt before everything gets too late?

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Or be sorry forever…

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“If anyone says, ‘I am living in the light,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister,

That person is still living in the darkness…

Anyone who hates a Christian brother or sister is living and walking in darkness.

Such a person is lost, having been blinded by the darkness.”

1 John 2:9, 11

(New Living Translation)

From Dreamland to Reality

5.7.2009

 

Is this just a dream?
Is this true, is this real?

I feel you close.
I hear your heartbeat.
I see your smile.
And I melt in your eyes.
I couldn’t hold your gaze for too long
Though I wanted to— so much.
I long for your embrace—
The security from a single touch…

I remain silent—
Wanting to speak of words I do not know…
Countless waves crash onshore.

And then I heard you whisper…
Your voice echoing in my heart,
Repeating a question, over and over,
“What if this is only a dream?”

I struggled for words, you patiently waited.

I burrowed my feet beneath the damp sand,
I opened my mouth and said,
“If this is only a dream,
I’ll enjoy every minute,
Every second that you are here.”

The cold breeze sent shivers down my spine.
But it can never put off
The flame that has warmed my heart.

I smiled and breathed deeply.

You did the same…
If this is only a dream,
Would I still want to wake up?

Unspoken

5.7.2009

My eyes filled with tears
As you looked into mine
I glanced away
, you need not know,
You need not find.

That familiar feeling resurfaced,
One that I tried to forget for so long.
One that I never wanted to feel ever again—
Until now…

We lived our lives the way we wanted it.
Met other people along the broken path,
I thought they would help us forget.
But what they did seemed too little.

The bond that kept us connected—
all these time—
was far from being broken.

It’s just that our hearts
were too proud to admit…

In the end,
It’s not a matter of who hurt
Or who loved the most…

It’s about the truth
that even without being spoken,

Only our hearts could ever understand…

Gazelle’s Prayer

6.10.2009

Lord,

There is so much pain in my heart. I feel so weak. I feel smashed into brittle pieces. I am drowning in a sea of pain and it seems like I couldn’t swim my way out…

You know the frailness of my frame. You know how much I want to scream at the top of my lungs and wish it wasn’t me who’s feeling this right now.

But You, oh God, You know why I have to undergo this. You want to teach me more about life. You want me to experience that You are a God who could take all matters to His hands and change my adversity into a blessing.

I may not understand everything right now. I may not find all the answers. Do I need those? What I know now is that… It’s You whom I need.

I need not beg, but I am asking You to spare me from this wretchedness. Right now, I can barely stand. Won’t you please hold my heart? How does my breaking heart sound? Does it make You cry, too? I am sorry Lord, for making You cry. But thank You because You care enough to cry with me. You care enough to wipe my tears dry.

You said that I am Your princess, I am Your treasure. I am holding on to that Lord… Now, more than ever, I take delight to identify that it’s how You think of me— it’s how You treat me. The world looks at me as if I am a trash to be trampled on, but, does it matter?

You provided me everything I need. And now, I pray that you would give me serenity. I pray that You would give me strength to endure every passing moment. When all else fades Lord, I would want to be embraced by You. I want to be loved by You. For Your love alone lasts forever.

You have been despised by the world, by people whom you dearly loved… So, more than anyone else, I know You understand what it’s like to be reviled… Be with me, Lord because that’s how I feel like right now.

Though my knees quiver and my heart falters, You are gracious enough to carry me through this. I don’t understand everything Lord. Help me look beyond what I see right now. Despite my brokenness, I know You’re there. Your promises are ever so true. Help me cling to it.

Just as how you spared me from death while I was still inside mom’s womb, just as how weak my heartbeat was at that time, just as how I bargained for my life , and just as how many times I almost entered the doors of the grave, save me again right now, Lord… Don’t let me sink to the bottom. Don’t let me give up…

You created the dark clouds that bring rain, but You also created the rainbow. Encourage me that the clouds would soon dispel, and finally, help me see the rays of the sun and let me feel its warmth once more.

I won’t fight Your hands that hold me, because that’s what I unerringly need right now. Turn to me, Lord, and hold me tighter… take all of my fears away.

I may not understand… But I am willing to trust in You…

Sonnet XVII

I love you without knowing how, why, or even from where. I love you straight forwardly, without complexities or pride. So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda~

Hmmm. I wish I could say something like this to someone if I am to fall in love again, or if there’s really someone made for me.

*mixed emotions. Still a happy day. 🙂