A Soothing Wave of Comfort

2.23.2010

I grew up not being able to develop a healthy relationship with my parents and my siblings. I was close to them, close in terms of just having dinner together, cracking jokes, sharing hearty laughs, and going to the mall and other stuff that a family was “expected” to do. I thought that being able to do those activities were enough. I was close to them, but I was not really open. And as years were added to my age, I became accustomed to that.

`

`

Since we were not financially well-off and income was scarce, my parents strived so hard to work for us. My two other siblings and I were often left in the care of my uncles and grandmother (mom’s side), whom I thought of as a “witch and evil sorcerers”. I must not bawl within the earshot of my grandmother, or else, I am doomed. My uncles however, didn’t seem to care. I am not saying that they were really wicked. But in my very young mind, they were!

`

`

Whenever I scraped a knee while playing with my cousins in the backyard, or had a bad dream as I took a nap in the afternoon, mom and dad weren’t at all times by my side. Though I wanted to have them cradle me in their arms and kiss my wounded knee, I often tucked myself in bed; sobbed frantically while I hugged a shirt of my mom (her scent on the shirt gave me relief). You see, these kinds of things were BIG things for me back then. I couldn’t do anything but to understand that my parents had to work for the welfare of their children. I knew that my philosophies compared to other kids my age was a bit “advanced”. I somehow forced myself to mature prematurely. I was pretty sure that my siblings had their own way of “coping up”, but I was too consumed by my own dealings at that time.

`

`

When I started schooling, things became more different. I saw my parents very early in the morning; mom prepared “baon”, dad still on their bed. In the afternoon as I came back from school, they weren’t still at home. Oftentimes, they came when we are already asleep. I would be slightly awakened when I sensed them giving me a peck on the cheek, a sign that they were already home.

`

`

I would always see my parents as very good providers. If not for them, I wouldn’t become a professional that I am right now. I wouldn’t even know who Jesus is. I remember mom and dad hugging me and telling me that they love me. When I was little, I would gladly respond “I love you” back. But as I grew up, somewhere along the line, I had difficulty of responding back to them. It felt like I am being choked whenever I tried to. I avoided mushy things. I felt embarrassed but when I already am alone again, I really felt sad at that. I knew that they were aware of my uneasiness when they do that, so there came a point that they wouldn’t do it for me anymore just because I wanted them not to.

`

`

Having been able to adapt in an atmosphere that I created for myself, I thought it was normal. I thought it was okay. But little did I know that I was so wrong—appallingly wrong! I was never at ease on telling them my personal issues, even about my crushes or a friend that I had misunderstandings with, the relationships I had with people, the troubles I had in school or in my workplace. I was pretty much comfortable of taking the entire burden by myself. It was a whole lot easier for me to open up to a close friend rather than them.

`

`

I am good at hiding my pain. I am excellent at pretending I am okay when in reality I am not. If I know I could do something all by myself, I wouldn’t dare ask for help. People know me as a jolly and a strong person. But my family, without me even realizing, knows me beyond that. They know all my good traits and the quirks of my personality.

`

`

The Lord God has destined me to be a part of this family for a massive reason. And last night, He showed me just a part of that.

`

`

It was the typical. I was undergoing an intense pain and all the while I thought I could make it by myself. I tried to shake it off, did things that would divert my attention but the pain was really stubborn! It wouldn’t go! I felt I was about to explode. I walked here and there, asking the Lord what to do. I don’t have my trusted friends beside me at that time. I felt alone.

`

`

“I need a friend, Lord, I need a friend… Someone whom I could just open up to, rub my shoulders and tell me things are going to be okay,” that was my desperate cry. I felt tears welling up my eyes. I blinked them away. I knew it was impossible to go to a friend at that time of night. This was EMERGENCY! But I couldn’t find a friend in sight. Of course, I was inside the house, and there’s no way for me to go out. The night was already deep. A text message and a phone call would be insufficient.

`

`

I felt the Holy Spirit’s prompting. “Go to your mom and sister, Ghay. They are women. They would understand. They are your friends and I have crafted them in a way that would be suitable for you. They can help.”

`

`

“No way, Lord! Uh-uh! Friends? No, they are not! They’re just my family but not my friends. They wouldn’t understand me, Lord… Believe me!” I argued furthermore.

`

`

“Now, isn’t that pride overcoming you? That doesn’t come from Me. You are asking Me for friends and I suggested your mom and your sister. Are My opinions not credible enough? Isn’t it your turn to believe Me?” the Lord eagerly responded.

`

`

Well, just some advice… First, never impose a debate with the Lord. You will never win. Second, never belittle the things and ways in which He speaks. Third, if He tells you to do something, do it precisely; that is, if you don’t want to be sorry even more.

`

`

So, I raised my white flag, “Okay, Lord, you win. This better be good,” and went inside the room (my sister and I share the same room). Mom and my sister were there. Ate JP was already lying on her bed, trying to get some sleep. Mom, on the other hand, was also preparing to go to bed. I somehow felt to step back and wanted to change my mind. But the Lord’s green traffic light was on. There was no turning back.

`

`

With my eyes already filled with tears, I approached mom who was about to go out of the room, embraced her and she hugged back. Then after a while, my lips quivering, I whispered, “Mommy, pwede ka bang (sob) makausap?” (Mom.. can we talk?)

`

`

I was a few inches taller than mom but she managed to stroke my hair and replied, “Hinihintay lang kitang magsabi.” (I’m just waiting for you to open up.) What??? She knew! Good grief!

`

`

Mom sat on a chair and wanted me to sit on her lap (just like the old times!), but I insisted to just sit on the floor while I hugged her on her waist, my face buried on her chest. My tears just flowed and sobs reached my sister’s ears, she got up from her almost-slumber-state and rushed to me.

`

`

I told my heartaches and opened up to them while a waterfall of tears flowed from my already puffed eyes. They just sat there, and listened; mom continuously held me in her arms and stroked my untidy hair, Ate JP rubbed my shoulders with her hand. I was surprised to find them crying with me! I did not expect it. It was a tear-filled night but I felt the Holy Spirit comforting me through my mom and my sister. And I knew He was there with us in the room, embracing us altogether. It dawned on me that the Lord has given me a security and a source of protection inside my very home—my family.

`

`

As I was still crying, mom tearfully gave me words of wisdom. My sister also shared her thoughts and I must admit that those helped me ease the pain. I asked for forgiveness if at some point in my life, I have by-passed them and didn’t give them the respect that they were due. They assured me that whatever happens, they are there to support me and to love me. The unconditional love of Christ was mirrored through these beautiful women that I have disregarded countless of times!Mom led us in prayer that I believe bonded us now more than ever. It was liberating. It really is a blessing to have been surrounded with Godly people who shares the wisdom that the Lord has gifted them with. And I am glad that these Godly people are my family!

`

`

Jesus gave me “new-found friends” that had been there all along ever since I was born. He bridged the gap that I created and united me with them once again. He is truly awesome!

`

`

At my last teardrop last night, I am very much aware that my healing already started. And if ever tears may come once more, I know deep in my heart, that I would never have to cry again alone…

`

`

`

“God sets the lonely in families…”

PSALMS 68:6a

`

`

“A wise son heeds his father’s instruction,

but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.”

PROVERBS 13:1

`

`

“My comfort in my suffering is this:

Your promise preserves my life.”

PSALMS 119:50

 

One response

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s