Dear Daughter

Anaiah Kielle,

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Hello darling! By the time you are reading this, I don’t know how old you are. Many things may have changed in you, in us, in your surroundings, in almost everything.

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I am writing for no particular reason, perhaps I just want to record the things that are running in my head at this moment.

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You are one of God’s greatest gifts to me and it will always be like that.

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I can still remember the way it felt when you first “kicked” inside me. That was odd, but beautiful. I loved the way how you made my tummy your playground,  you happily swirled and wiggled inside. 🙂

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The moment you were about to be born, I was in fact keeping my composure. I was nervous yet excited at the same time! I asked the Lord to help me deliver you safely and He granted that request.

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The first time I laid my eyes on you and held you in my arms, I got scared. You were so little and fragile, I was so afraid I might squish you. But I won over my fear with God’s help again. I will never forget that moment… The physical exhaustion and pain of giving birth paled away when I finally held and kissed you. You were the pain reliever.

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I’m sorry that you were not born under the perfect circumstances. I wasn’t as rich as the other mothers out there who could give their children extravagant things. What I do know is that long before you were born, God has already thought of  you and has a great plan for your life.

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I’m sorry that you don’t have your father by your side. Things didn’t work out well for us, and so you also have to suffer. I really am sorry, baby. There are things that cannot be returned to its original state once broken. I am hoping that in time, you would learn to accept and understand these things without harboring hatred and pain in your heart. Things may not have been brought out as planned between your father and I, but you have all the rights to know him, and if you must, spend time with him. But not now, I’m not ready yet… It is still too painful, too fresh. I don’t want to poke my wounds just yet. I want them to heal first, completely… That time will come, I know, when I’d be ready to talk or to see his face again. But it wouldn’t really be how it was like before.

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I’m sorry that mommy has to be far from you almost all the time. I have to work and earn money so that I could provide for you. I want to make most of what I have so I could give you the things that you need. You just don’t know how my heart twists every time you cry as you see me go. I know that you miss me–I miss you too, babe… Always… Even when I am at work, I think of you often. I don’t mind getting tired when it’s for you. I always look forward going home and get ample amount of your hugs and kisses when I am all spent from a day’s work. You never fail to make me smile. You never fail to make me forget my weariness for the day. :’)

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Truly, you grow so fast! I rejoiced the moment you took your first step, but at the same time there was a strange pain in my heart that made me think that sooner or later, you’ll be taking steps away from me. Soon enough, you will go to school, have new friends and discover your purpose here on earth.   Somehow, I feel a little jealous knowing that one day, your world will not revolve around me anymore. And perhaps you would be needing less of my presence, my hugs and my kisses… But I want you to know that I would be so willing to give you a generous amount whenever you may need it again… Pardon me if I sound too possessive of you. I still am learning how to deal with life’s realities. When you become a mother yourself, you will comprehend fully what I am saying.

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I love you, Anaiah… You are a living reminder to me that in any circumstance, God answers, thus the meaning of your name. Every time I see you, I am comforted because I know that our future is secured in the loving hands of the Lord… We are safe.

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Whenever you may face a problem or two, please never shy away from me… It would be one of the most rewarding things for me that you would seek for my advice. I pray that you will grow beautifully under God’s grace. Life may be harsh at some points but never ever lose heart! These are just temporary. There’s more to what your eyes can see… Learn to also see with your heart. I also pray that you would not commit the same mistakes I did. Take the lessons, leave the tears and the heartaches.

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In the future, you might face disappointments. Just press on. Those are meant to make you a better and a stronger person. Always choose the best and don’t just settle for the good. Sometimes, the good things rob you of the best so you better clear your vision always.

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Once again, I love you—and I will never tire of letting you know… But God loves you more and is more faithful than I am. Hold on to this truth and engrave it in your heart.

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I shall be praying for you always, loving you always… Take heart. Treasures are yet to be unfolded in your very eyes.

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Loving you till forever,

Mommy

 

I love her smile in this photo when she was still 11 months old. There’s that certain happy glow in her eyes. Do you see it? 🙂