Le Coucher

Hello, you.

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I heard you’re getting married. Just saw a random pre-wedding picture of you and her.

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You seemed happy. Her skin glowed against the last rays of light from the sunset… And she seemed happy,too…

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Several years ago, it was what we planned — to be wed… But now, you’ll be wed to someone else. Someone who’s not me.

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The sunset? It was part of it, too. You knew how I love sunsets…

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I can still remember the way you whispered in my ear that you’ll marry me under a sunset…

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It’s ironic that I am looking at a very new photograph and yet it seems like it’s all too familiar, which makes me feel nostalgic and melancholic at the same time…

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But…

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Why am I even writing this in the first place?

Thank You Mom!

~This is something my mom wrote for my birthday (June 10,2013)… Thanks for the unconditional love, mom!  I love you…~

 

 

To a wonderful daughter who is the most artistic of all my children…
Another miracle baby. She came out earlier than scheduled and thanks to God because her heartbeat was fainter than it should be since i was sick for a week. I couldn’t push…i was so weak. But she came out with a loud alto voice. A fighter from the beginning.
I was bleeding heavily, suffered from uterine atony…I woke up soaked with blood. But God made the baby strong. The heaviest and the biggest of all my children..

The singer of the family. She sings when the car starts its engine and stops when the car reaches its destination. The longest concert… from guiguinto, bulacan to Lemery, Batangas…at the age of 4.She was singing gospel songs…my nightingale.

She started to draw at the age of 1 1/2 barely mastered holding a pen. all four corners of our wall had her priceless masterpieces. Asked a paint brush and oil paint at the bookstore at the age of 5 as her birthday gift which I decline. We went home without any gift for her. She doesn’t want any of the things we suggested… she only wanted the oil paint and brush. Christmas, she again asked for it and saying..”d ba wala akong gift nong birthday ko?” (I didn’t have a gift on my birthday, remember?)–so i did give her what she wanted. -my female version of Michaelangelo.

It brings back all the memories of the childhood years of my children every time their birthday comes. Now…she had fought the battles of her life and came out victorious..made her life colorful with her own paint and brushes and a beautiful masterpiece with the Lord Jesus as her Great Saviour and teacher.

You will always be a child in my heart, you will always be my nightingale and my female michaelangelo.. the bonus is i have now my small version of you—Anaiah.

Hold on to the Lord, He is our everything..when you don’t understand..trust His heart… Mommy and daddy will always be here for you no matter what happens. WE LOVE YOU ANAK….HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAY

To You (Whoever You Are) part 2

Dear Future Husband,

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I’m sorry if I haven’t been faithful to you all my life…

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And I hope that someday when we meet and I tell you of the wrong decisions and choices I’ve made, you’ll find a place in your heart to forgive me…

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Hoping and loving,

Me

Putting My Plow Away

Forgetting does not mean obliterating the memory of my past, but is a conscious refusal to let it absorb my attention and impede my progress.

 

 

Dear Lord, I’ve been plowing up the soil of past memories for far too long. Today, I’m going to put away the plow and start planting seeds. When You see me reaching for the plow and going back to rehash old grievances and hurts, I pray that the Holy Spirit will convict me quickly. Today, the past is the past and I’m not looking back.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

To You (Whoever You Are) part 1

Dear Future Husband,

Are you for real?…

…. or just a figment of my imagination?

I am missing you so much that it hurts… So much that it brings tears to my eyes…

…though I haven’t really met you yet…

Love,

Me

A Talk I Had With Myself

3.17.2011

 

I have come to believe that no other person could really decide on what should happen for your life. Though at some point you have decided over some things, and thought you made stupid choices and got unexpected or unwanted results, still the Lord God could intervene and bring forth change.

Each and every day, you have to make decisions and stand firm on those. Spending life is not done by stepping backwards. You could never go back, nor could you escape what you have gotten yourself into. All you could do now is to face it bravely and though your heart may faint at times, still you should keep pressing on. It is through mistakes that sometimes you see the right answers and realize what matters most to you.

Whenever you feel tired and spent, it is never wrong to stop for a while, cry if you may want, but later on must recollect yourself and start moving forward again. What’s wrong is the moment you have resolved to give up.

You are never assured of a stumble-free and a pain-free life; but only a place where you can find comfort, healing and acceptance whenever you fall down and get your knees bruised or your heart shattered. That place is found in the arms of Jesus who would never condemn nor forsake you—no matter what.

It’s appropriate to plan ahead but it is unwise to forget that though you make countless of plans still the purposes of the Lord will stand, and anything you have planned about is still subject to change.

“Many are the plans in a person’s heart,

   but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.”

Proverbs 19:21 (New International Version, ©2011)

–Do not forget this.

Through life’s negative situations, there is still a positive one lying undiscovered. Sometimes you just have to open your eyes wide and take a secondhand look. Or you may need a friend to help you see. Do not fret. The Lord will send a friend along your way.

So stop murmuring and choose to live life to the full. You can only live once. Life is but a moment, so why not try to endure yet another day? Your tears, your hurts, your uncertainties—these will all soon pass. Trust me, it will… It will…

From Dreamland to Reality

5.7.2009

 

Is this just a dream?
Is this true, is this real?

I feel you close.
I hear your heartbeat.
I see your smile.
And I melt in your eyes.
I couldn’t hold your gaze for too long
Though I wanted to— so much.
I long for your embrace—
The security from a single touch…

I remain silent—
Wanting to speak of words I do not know…
Countless waves crash onshore.

And then I heard you whisper…
Your voice echoing in my heart,
Repeating a question, over and over,
“What if this is only a dream?”

I struggled for words, you patiently waited.

I burrowed my feet beneath the damp sand,
I opened my mouth and said,
“If this is only a dream,
I’ll enjoy every minute,
Every second that you are here.”

The cold breeze sent shivers down my spine.
But it can never put off
The flame that has warmed my heart.

I smiled and breathed deeply.

You did the same…
If this is only a dream,
Would I still want to wake up?

Gazelle’s Prayer

6.10.2009

Lord,

There is so much pain in my heart. I feel so weak. I feel smashed into brittle pieces. I am drowning in a sea of pain and it seems like I couldn’t swim my way out…

You know the frailness of my frame. You know how much I want to scream at the top of my lungs and wish it wasn’t me who’s feeling this right now.

But You, oh God, You know why I have to undergo this. You want to teach me more about life. You want me to experience that You are a God who could take all matters to His hands and change my adversity into a blessing.

I may not understand everything right now. I may not find all the answers. Do I need those? What I know now is that… It’s You whom I need.

I need not beg, but I am asking You to spare me from this wretchedness. Right now, I can barely stand. Won’t you please hold my heart? How does my breaking heart sound? Does it make You cry, too? I am sorry Lord, for making You cry. But thank You because You care enough to cry with me. You care enough to wipe my tears dry.

You said that I am Your princess, I am Your treasure. I am holding on to that Lord… Now, more than ever, I take delight to identify that it’s how You think of me— it’s how You treat me. The world looks at me as if I am a trash to be trampled on, but, does it matter?

You provided me everything I need. And now, I pray that you would give me serenity. I pray that You would give me strength to endure every passing moment. When all else fades Lord, I would want to be embraced by You. I want to be loved by You. For Your love alone lasts forever.

You have been despised by the world, by people whom you dearly loved… So, more than anyone else, I know You understand what it’s like to be reviled… Be with me, Lord because that’s how I feel like right now.

Though my knees quiver and my heart falters, You are gracious enough to carry me through this. I don’t understand everything Lord. Help me look beyond what I see right now. Despite my brokenness, I know You’re there. Your promises are ever so true. Help me cling to it.

Just as how you spared me from death while I was still inside mom’s womb, just as how weak my heartbeat was at that time, just as how I bargained for my life , and just as how many times I almost entered the doors of the grave, save me again right now, Lord… Don’t let me sink to the bottom. Don’t let me give up…

You created the dark clouds that bring rain, but You also created the rainbow. Encourage me that the clouds would soon dispel, and finally, help me see the rays of the sun and let me feel its warmth once more.

I won’t fight Your hands that hold me, because that’s what I unerringly need right now. Turn to me, Lord, and hold me tighter… take all of my fears away.

I may not understand… But I am willing to trust in You…

Unrecuperated Love

(This was a letter I wrote to someone who has been a big part of me and yet ended up as a stranger… Sad, but there are things we have to let go of  in order to welcome new ones. Some stories end up not the way we want it to. But there are a great deal of lessons embedded in it.)

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Things change.

People change.

I changed.

And so did you…

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No matter how much we want to go back, we can’t and we never will.

I still need time for me to believe all your words. All the things you’ve been telling me lately.

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I love you but my trust have been stepped on before… My trust crumbled to pieces. And those are what I exactly need to get back.

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I hope you would help me out on picking them up… I hope.. I just hope..

I know there are many girls out there who would die just to have you.

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But, I just simply died… when you left…

And it was a nightmare…

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We all have nightmares we need to wake up from… And I need to totally wake up from mine…

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Time… Still need time…

God’s time… Not mine, not yours. But His.

I will embrace you in my heart once more. And I am excited at the thought of that… But… When I AM WHOLE AGAIN…

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The reason why I don’t want to commit to you is that I still don’t have that WHOLE TRUST yet. I have DOUBTS in you…

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And I would be unfair to you and to myself if I accept you right away.

You were right also when you said not to commit to anyone or anything unless I am sure…

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Yes, I strongly agree… I want to be sure of my feelings for you. Or if this is still love that I’m feeling towards you.

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I want to be ACCURATELY SURE before I commit myself and my heart once again to you.

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Yes… We can never go  back to yesterday.

But we can start a new tomorrow.

We just have to wait…

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If you could wait for me, then, you would also do everything to gain my trust.

It’s not only up to me. It is also up to you to win my heart back….

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And if it’s true about the thing that you said that it’s really ME that YOU LOVE…

If it’s me… Then it has to be ME—ALONE.

Dear Daughter

Anaiah Kielle,

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Hello darling! By the time you are reading this, I don’t know how old you are. Many things may have changed in you, in us, in your surroundings, in almost everything.

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I am writing for no particular reason, perhaps I just want to record the things that are running in my head at this moment.

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You are one of God’s greatest gifts to me and it will always be like that.

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I can still remember the way it felt when you first “kicked” inside me. That was odd, but beautiful. I loved the way how you made my tummy your playground,  you happily swirled and wiggled inside. 🙂

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The moment you were about to be born, I was in fact keeping my composure. I was nervous yet excited at the same time! I asked the Lord to help me deliver you safely and He granted that request.

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The first time I laid my eyes on you and held you in my arms, I got scared. You were so little and fragile, I was so afraid I might squish you. But I won over my fear with God’s help again. I will never forget that moment… The physical exhaustion and pain of giving birth paled away when I finally held and kissed you. You were the pain reliever.

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I’m sorry that you were not born under the perfect circumstances. I wasn’t as rich as the other mothers out there who could give their children extravagant things. What I do know is that long before you were born, God has already thought of  you and has a great plan for your life.

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I’m sorry that you don’t have your father by your side. Things didn’t work out well for us, and so you also have to suffer. I really am sorry, baby. There are things that cannot be returned to its original state once broken. I am hoping that in time, you would learn to accept and understand these things without harboring hatred and pain in your heart. Things may not have been brought out as planned between your father and I, but you have all the rights to know him, and if you must, spend time with him. But not now, I’m not ready yet… It is still too painful, too fresh. I don’t want to poke my wounds just yet. I want them to heal first, completely… That time will come, I know, when I’d be ready to talk or to see his face again. But it wouldn’t really be how it was like before.

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I’m sorry that mommy has to be far from you almost all the time. I have to work and earn money so that I could provide for you. I want to make most of what I have so I could give you the things that you need. You just don’t know how my heart twists every time you cry as you see me go. I know that you miss me–I miss you too, babe… Always… Even when I am at work, I think of you often. I don’t mind getting tired when it’s for you. I always look forward going home and get ample amount of your hugs and kisses when I am all spent from a day’s work. You never fail to make me smile. You never fail to make me forget my weariness for the day. :’)

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Truly, you grow so fast! I rejoiced the moment you took your first step, but at the same time there was a strange pain in my heart that made me think that sooner or later, you’ll be taking steps away from me. Soon enough, you will go to school, have new friends and discover your purpose here on earth.   Somehow, I feel a little jealous knowing that one day, your world will not revolve around me anymore. And perhaps you would be needing less of my presence, my hugs and my kisses… But I want you to know that I would be so willing to give you a generous amount whenever you may need it again… Pardon me if I sound too possessive of you. I still am learning how to deal with life’s realities. When you become a mother yourself, you will comprehend fully what I am saying.

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I love you, Anaiah… You are a living reminder to me that in any circumstance, God answers, thus the meaning of your name. Every time I see you, I am comforted because I know that our future is secured in the loving hands of the Lord… We are safe.

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Whenever you may face a problem or two, please never shy away from me… It would be one of the most rewarding things for me that you would seek for my advice. I pray that you will grow beautifully under God’s grace. Life may be harsh at some points but never ever lose heart! These are just temporary. There’s more to what your eyes can see… Learn to also see with your heart. I also pray that you would not commit the same mistakes I did. Take the lessons, leave the tears and the heartaches.

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In the future, you might face disappointments. Just press on. Those are meant to make you a better and a stronger person. Always choose the best and don’t just settle for the good. Sometimes, the good things rob you of the best so you better clear your vision always.

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Once again, I love you—and I will never tire of letting you know… But God loves you more and is more faithful than I am. Hold on to this truth and engrave it in your heart.

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I shall be praying for you always, loving you always… Take heart. Treasures are yet to be unfolded in your very eyes.

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Loving you till forever,

Mommy

 

I love her smile in this photo when she was still 11 months old. There’s that certain happy glow in her eyes. Do you see it? 🙂